Acting
by WolvesRcool
Summary: Acting is one of Kendall's unknown talents. He acts like he is in love with Jo, even though he barely likes her. He acts like he's happy all of the time, when he is only happy sometimes. Slash, Kames
1. Acting

A/N: I love Kames so I decided to try this story. I know it's not long but this is just the me what you think. Should I continue it?

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.

~~X~~

James walked into apartment 2J and slammed the door. He walked straight to his room that he shared with Kendall, ignoring the confused looks he got from Carlos and Logan. He walked in and slammed that door too, once again ignoring the concerned look he got from Kendall. Kendall had heard the other door being slammed and was worried that something was really wrong with James after he slammed their bedroom door. He looked at James who silently plopped down on his bed, not even sparing Kendall a glance.

Kendall got out of his bed and walked to the side of James' bed. James' back was facing him when he asked, "What's wrong James?" James didn't answer and Kendall sighed. He walked around to the other side, where James was facing. "What happened," Kendall asked, wondering what could have upset his secret crush. "Please tell me."

James looked at Kendall then he began his tale, "I was on my way to the pool when I saw this girl. She's hasn't been here long and I offered to show her around because I wanted to get to know her." James paused. Kendall felt like he died a little inside knowing that James was always going to go after other girls. But despite his own feelings he put on a fake smile and encouraged James. "Keep going." James sighed. "She said no thanks and started to walk away but I wasn't going to give up so easily. I walked after her and tried a more direct approach. I asked her out on a date and she said no. I asked her why not and she said that she wasn't interested in me."

Kendall was a little confused because they all got shot down lots of times, what made this time any different? "You're sad because she said no?" he asked with slight confusion in his voice. James shook his head. "I'm sad because I keep getting 'no' or 'maybe some other time'. I might as well face the fact that no girl will ever want me." Kendall's heart broke as he heard James' words.

"Don't say that," Kendall comforted, "You're a kind, caring guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you. Your special and when you meet the right person, you will see that." Kendall said as he raked his hand through James' hair. Damn, you might as well scream you're in love with him, Kendall thought as pulled his hand away.

He quickly thought up a way to help James. Kendall knew that it would be hell for himself but he'd take if it would make James happy. "You really wanna be with this girl?" Kendall asked, though he already knew the answer. James nodded. Kendall sighed. "Then I'll help you."

"You will?" James asked with happiness in his voice. It almost took away the pain Kendall was feeling. "Sure," he said. James smiled as he asked Kendall how they would do it. "Well," Kendall explained, "If she's still at the pool all you have to do is say something sweet." James looked confused, "Like what?"

Kendall pulled James up into a sitting position and took both of his hands. He thought for a moment before saying, "Your eyes are beautiful," he started while he looked into the taller boy's eyes, "And I love how your hair frames your face," Kendall moved one of his hands and gently moved his fingers through James' soft hair. "Will you go out with me?"

James blushed slightly at what Kendall said but it didn't last long. "That's it?" he asked. "Well, it wouldn't hurt to kiss her if she's willing." James nodded, and said "You can let go of my hands now." Kendall blushed and quickly pulled his hands away. "Sorry," he said with a sheepish smile, "Anyway, go try that with her and you'll have a girlfriend in seconds."

James got up and ran to the door. Before he left he said, "Thanks Kendall." Kendall smiled, "No problem." Without another word James left. Kendall walked into the living room to watch how James was. He walked right pass Carlos and Logan, who only gave him a glance before going back to watching television. He watched the interaction between the girl and his best friend until she took his hand. Kendall already hated her for hurting James but he felt it intensify when he saw them holding hands.

He immediately walked to his room and grabbed a gray beanie from under his bed. He stuck his hand inside and smiled slightly when he felt the cold razor blade he hid inside. Kendall headed for the bathroom and made sure that the door was locked. He looked at himself in the mirror before he let a few tears slip from his eyes. He dragged the blade against his skin quickly, making a shallow cut. He never made deep cuts.

Kendall winced as he felt blood slowly ooze out of the cut. He went a little lower and made two more, in a criss-crossed fashion. This was the only way to deal with the pain. He didn't want to do it but it made him forget. When he cut himself he was able to concentrate on that pain for a little while, and forget about everything else. Kendall cried even more as he continued to let the blood flow from his wrist.

When Kendall thought that he was losing too much blood, he washed the cuts off with some water and grabbed some bandages. He wrapped his arm up and washed the blade off next. He made sure that there wasn't any noticeable blood in the sink before he walked out of the bathroom. He replaced the blade back to its hiding spot.

Kendall has been hiding his feelings for James for a couple of months now. He was always good at hiding his feelings. It started when his father left him. He was so angry and sad but when he was around anyone else, he would act happy. Acting is one of Kendall's unknown talents. He acts like he is in love with Jo, even though he barely likes her. He acts like he's happy all of the time, when he is only happy sometimes. He acts like everything is fine but he knows that everything isn't fine.

One day his mom had caught him crying to himself in his room, and that's when he decided to tell her the truth. They talked about his father for a long while and when they finished, Kendall felt a lot better. But this wasn't the same. He couldn't talk to James about this. He couldn't talk to anyone.

He wiped off his tears and sighed. If James was happy, he would at least try to be happy. And if he absolutely couldn't be happy, he would act like it.


	2. Hurt

A/N: Here's the next chapter. Thanks for the reviews.

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.

~~X~~

Kendall was lying on his bed, just sitting there. He had been thinking about the recent things that have happened in his life. James likes a girl at the Palmwoods and they were probably going out. Great, he thought sarcastically. Kendall didn't know if he should be angry with himself or be proud of what he did. He was glad that he could help James be happy but he was sad that he wasn't directly making him happy.

Some girl was making him happy and all he did was help her. Kendall scowled in anger at the girl. He knew that he had no right to be angry at her but he couldn't help but be jealous. He wished that James liked him but he knew it would never happen. Kendall, who was bi, knew that James wasn't even bi, he was straight. That definitely shot down his chances, if he had any to begin with.

Kendall turned over and stared at the empty bed next to his. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there but he knew it was late. James wasn't back yet. He was probably with her. He sighed as he closed his eyes. He was going to try and get some sleep. Between dealing with Jo and fighting his feelings for James, Kendall was tired.

Kendall was just about to fall asleep when he heard James open the door. So much for sleep, he thought. He sat up and put on a fake smile when he asked, "How'd it go?" James looked at him and smiled. "It was great. I did everything you told me to do and it worked. Kendall, you're the best."

Kendall smiled, "Great," he said, though it was the exact opposite of what he really wanted to say. Some small part of him hoped that something went wrong, that their relationship hadn't work out. But he knew that James was excited about this, if the smile on his face meant anything. He wouldn't let what he wanted screw up what James wanted.

Kendall was dead set on getting back to sleep when James said something. "What?" Kendall asked. "Could you help me again?" Kendall looked confused. Help again? What more could he need, Kendall asked himself. He already had her, what more could Kendall do? "With what?" James sat on his bed and motioned for Kendall to join him. Kendall did. "'magoodkisser."

Kendall blinked. "What?" James sighed. "I was wondering if you could tell me if I'm a good…kisser?"

Kendall looked at James incredulously. He couldn't do that. It would be terrible for him to kiss James. Kendall had told everyone that he was bi, they accepted him but now he wished that he hadn't said a thing. James was using it against him. Kendall always thought about how it would be to kiss James but he never thought that he'd get the chance. "James, I'm not sure this is a good-"

"Please," James interrupted, "What if I'm a bad kisser and she breaks up with me or-" "I'm sure you're a great kisser." Kendall tried his best to reassure the other but he could tell that it wasn't working. "But-" Kendall silenced him with a kiss. James gasped and Kendall slipped his tongue inside of the taller boy's mouth. He knew he would regret this but he couldn't take it anymore.

James was begging him. Who was he to deny him? They both wanted it, just for different reasons. So Kendall gave in. When he felt James start to kiss back he forced himself to remember that this wasn't for pleasure. This was to help his best friend, that's all. Kendall pulled away reluctantly. He didn't want to stop but he knew that he had too. He didn't want the kiss to last long because that would give him more to remember.

"You're a great kisser, James." Kendall said and James smiled. "Thanks, I don't know if I can ever make this up to you." Kendall smiled back, "As long as you're happy." And it was the truth. As long as James was happy nothing else mattered. Kendall climbed back into bed and turned away as James changed his clothes. He didn't want any unwanted dreams tonight.

~~X~~ (Next Morning)

When Kendall awoke he noticed that James wasn't in his bed. He climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom to wash himself. When he was finished he went to the kitchen, wondering where James had gone. He saw Carlos and Logan on the orange couch, watching the science channel. Carlos looked bored while Logan watched on in fascination. Typical.

"Have you guys seen James?" Kendall asked. Carlos answered him. "He went to the pool with his new girlfriend." Kendall's heart broke even more. He knew that they were together, but hearing it from someone else made it harder to ignore. "Oh," he whispered as he walked to the fridge to grab something to eat. Carlos looked at him strangely for a second but Kendall dismissed it. It sounded like any other retort Kendall would give, but if you listened closely, you could hear the sadness.

After Kendall had finished his food, his phone vibrated. He pulled it out of his pocket, wondering who it was. When he saw it he sighed. It was from Jo and he didn't fell like doing anything with her. He looked at the message.

Hey Kendall, meet me at the pool.

Great, he thought. He walked back to his room to change again. He needed everyone to think they were a happy couple. On his way to the door he said, "I'm going to the pool with Jo." He didn't stay to hear a reply. When he arrived he saw Jo on the other side and walked straight toward her with a smile on.

"Hey Kendall," Jo greeted him. "Hey," he said back. She didn't know that he didn't really like her and she never figured out that this was all an act. "So I was thinking that we could…" Kendall ignored her in favor of eyeing James and his girlfriend, who were behind Jo. James' girlfriend had brown hair that stretched to the middle of her back and she had a swimsuit on. She was thin and looked to be the same height as Jo, if not slightly shorter. Kendall didn't have the best view from where he was standing but he knew that she was pretty.

She looked over his way and it seemed like she was looking at him too. She broke their heated stare when James wrapped his arms around her. She smiled and leaned up for a kiss. This made Kendall dislike her even more. That was the kiss that _he_ was supposed to be having with James. _He_ was supposed to be holding James and _he _was supposed to be going out with him.

But things didn't always go the way you wanted and Kendall knew this. He knew that he should stop being jealous and just be happy for his friend, but he couldn't. It was too hard. Jo's voice brought him out of his thoughts. "Kendall? Are you okay?" Kendall looked back down at her and said, "Yeah, I'm fine."

That was a lie. He wasn't fine but he knew Jo wouldn't see past his façade. No one would, ever. But sometimes he wished that they did. He wished that someone, anyone, would notice the things he tried his best to hide.

"So, what do you want to do?" Jo asked. Nothing that involves you, Kendall said in his mind. But on the outside Kendall said, "Let's go for a walk in the park." Jo nodded and they began the walk. If Kendall had to be with Jo, he was going to get away from James and his girlfriend. He couldn't take watching James be happy with someone else.

As they walked in the park, Jo was talking about…something. Kendall didn't know because he wasn't listening to her. He was too deep in his thoughts. This was boring to him; at least it was boring with her. It didn't make it better that she had slipped her hand down to his and interlaced their fingers. He didn't want his fingers interlaced with hers. He wanted her to be James. He wanted to be with James, hold his hand, take him out, and make sure that everyone knew that they were together.

That was only in his dreams, though, while his eyes were closed. When he opened his eyes he wouldn't see the deep brown hair that he longed to touch, the brown eyes he could get lost in and never be found, or the slightly pink lips he could kiss until he was seconds away from death because of not breathing. Instead, he saw blonde hair that he didn't want to see, brown eyes that weren't the right shade and lips he hated kissing. But it was a part of the act. What's a relationship without kisses, hugs, and holding hands?

After walking around for a bit it he wanted to go home but Jo wouldn't let that horrible date be over that soon. Instead they went to get ice cream, to the movies, and finally out to eat. Kendall hated every second of it. Each time she would kiss him on the cheek or grab his hand after he had purposefully let go, Kendall regretted ever replying to her first text. When they arrived at the front of Kendall's door she gave him a quick peck on the lips that made him want to gag.

He resisted the urge. When she had finally left he ran into the apartment. He sighed as he made his way to his room. Another day wasted with Jo, he thought as he got ready for bed. He couldn't wait to go to sleep. James had entered a little bit after him with a smile on his face. When he saw Kendall his smile grew. "Thanks again, Kendall. I'm so happy that I found someone to be with."

Kendall felt like crying then and there but he held back the tears. Instead, he nodded and said, "Great." Kendall didn't say anything else because he didn't trust his voice not to crack. If James noticed and asked him what was wrong, he would break down. He hurried into his bed and waited for James to fall asleep before he hopped out of bed and grabbed his hat.

Kendall stalked toward the bathroom shut the door and made sure it was locked. He walked to the mirror and let the tears fall. He ripped the bandages off of his wrist and grabbed the blade. He made a cut for everything that had happened.

One, the pain of James kissing his girlfriend. Two, spending the day with Jo when he wanted to be with James. Three, the pain of being alone. And finally, the pain of knowing that James is happy with someone else. Kendall let a small smile show as he looked at himself in the mirror. James was happy and he was sad, but if Kendall had to be sad so that James could be happy, so be it.

Kendall rewrapped his wrist and hid the used bandages deep inside of the trash can. Once again he made sure that all traces of blood were gone before he wiped his tears and walked out of the door. Kendall looked to see that James was still sleeping and he let out a small sigh of relief. He heard a light knock on the door and wondered who it was before he went to answer it.

He was shocked to see Carlos standing there with an indecisive look on his face. Carlos looked up when he saw that Kendall had opened the door. He said, "Come with me," and Kendall silently shut his door and followed. Carlos sat on the couch and Kendall sat across from him. "Carlos, what's wrong?"

"We need to talk." Carlos answered simply. Kendall raised an eyebrow, "Talk? About what?" Carlos stared into Kendall's eyes before taking a deep breath. "I know about you."


	3. Pain

A/N: I'm sorry this is so late. I had written the chapter but I didn't like it so I had to change some things but then my computer broke. And by then I had decided to give up on this story but I changd my mind. So, at the risk of me rambling any longer...

Disclaimer: I don't own BTR

"I know about you." It seemed surreal when Carlos had first spoke those words. They still resonated through Kendall's mind as he thought of the implications of that statement. Carlos knows about him. What does he know?

Kendall felt like panicking but knew that that would just give him away. He inwardly calmed himself and put a smile on his face. "What are you talking about? " Kendall tried to seem casual, like he had nothing to hide. Carlos scowled which surprised Kendall, he didn't usually act like this. "Kendall, I know that you're not as happy as you try to make everyone believe. Sometimes, I notice things about you."

Kendall felt his panic level skyrocket. How could he have figured that out? What 'things' did he notice? Kendall didn't really know what to say. Had he really been caught? Regardless, he had to stay calm. He refused to tell Carlos something he didn't already know. "Not happy," Kendall faked a confused tone. "I don't know what you're talking about." Carlos frowned, yet another uncharacteristic thing he was doing.

"You don't have to lie, I'm supposed to be your best friend. You can tell me what's going on." Carlos said softly. Kendall's breathing picked up slightly. He didn't know what to do. He knew that Carlos meant what he said but could Kendall really tell him? Would he even understand? Kendall sighed, wishing he had went to bed earlier to avoid all of this.

"Fine. I'm in love with James. There, I said it." Carlos smiled, further confusing Kendall. "What's so funny?" Carlos' smile grew a bit bigger. "I'm just happy that you told me what was bothering you. Continue." Kendall rolled his eyes, at least he had the regular Carlos back. Maybe it would make him feel a bit better if he got some of this off of his chest.

"I love him, so much. But he doesn't even notice. It's been hard. I helped him get his _girlfriend_," Kendall said it as if it disgusted him, and it actually did. "Not because I thought it was good for him or anything. Just because I knew it would make him happy."

Carlos interrupted. "But it made you sad." Kendall nodded. "It killed me. But his happiness means more to me than my own. I'd do anything for him. Carlos looked at Kendall with sad eyes though Kendall could not see. He kept his head down. "Why are you with Jo then? If you're in love with James?" Carlos wondered aloud.

Kendall had forgotten about the annoying girl. "I thought that if I still had a relationship with her that it would make it seem like I didn't have feelings for him." Hearing this, Carlos leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Kendall. At first, Kendall was surprised but he soon wrapped his own arms around the other boy.

He couldn't help the few tears that escaped his eyes. He didn't like to cry but he especially hated doing it in front of other people. He wiped the tears as they both pulled back and Carlos offered him a small smile. "I'm sorry, Kendall. I'm so sorry." Kendall returned the smile and nodded his thanks. He didn't want to tell Carlos how badly it was affecting him, that he had begun to cut himself to help deal with it.

"You know you can talk to me any time, right? It doesn't matter, I'll always be here for you." Kendall felt a little better now. A little less alone, a little less pain. "Alright, we should go to bed. It's pretty late." The blonde boy began walking back to his room and his shorter friend followed behind him. They wished each other a good night before they walked into their respective rooms.

*Two Weeks Later*

Kendall sat in his bed thinking over his latest problem. James. Everything was fine for a while after his first initial talk with Carlos. Well, as fine as it could be but it was better than how it usually was. After a few days though, Kendall felt like James was avoiding him. And that was weird. It had started with their conversations getting smaller and smaller, until they barely talked at all. It's not like Kendall hadn't tried an extended conversation, it was like James always found a way to cut it short.

Soon after that, James would begin to go out more often. Sometimes staying out for the entire day. This bothered Kendall, he thought that he might be getting close with his girlfriend, and that was something Kendall did not want. He didn't want her to take James away from him. He tried making plans for the two of them to do something but James had always said the same thing.

"Sorry Kendall. I'm busy, maybe some other time?" But there weren't any other times. It had soon become painfully obvious that James didn't want to spend time with him. And this hurt. It seemed as if James did not even want to be near the blond. Kendall would wake up to James having an empty bed and would go to sleep before James even came inside. Some nights, Kendall wondered if he even set foot inside of their shared room.

He had tried talking to Carlos but he had no idea what was going on so he couldn't really offer any advice. Kendall was brought out of his musings by his phone vibrating. He looked over to it wondering who it could be. Sadly, it was Jo. She wanted to know if he wanted to do something later. Kendall had been ignoring her lately. She was becoming more and more unbearable. So he was prepared to do something he didn't think he'd regret. He called her. Kendall waited as the rings continued.

"Hello," she answered.

"Jo, I've got to tell you something."

"What is it?" she inquired.

"I'm breaking up with you."

"W-What?"

"I'm breaking up with you." he repeated himself though he knew that she had heard him the first time. He actually began to feel a little bad for her.

"What do you mean 'breaking up with me'? You can't break up with me! I should've known you'd do something like this you-" Kendall no longer felt bad for her. If she was going to go on a rant then he didn't want to hear it. So he hang up the phone. She'll understand sooner or later, he thought to himself.

He felt his phone vibrate again and noticed that she was calling back. He ignored it and put his phone on silent. He didn't feel like being bothered with her anymore. Kendall thought back to James. What should he do? Carlos had told him on more than one occasion to try telling him how he felt but Kendall didn't want to do that. He didn't want to make James' life complicated because he had fallen in love with him.

Kendall sighed, his life always seemed so hard even when he was trying to make everything alright. Maybe I should just ask him? Kendall knew that that would be the straightforward approach but that was the only thing he was really willing to do. He hopped up and walked out of his room to see if James was actually in the apartment.

To Kendall's surprise, James was in the kitchen. He walked up to him. James had his back turned to him as he looked into the fridge. When James felt someone poke him he turned around and Kendall noticed how his demeanor changed when he saw him. "James, we need to talk."

James raised an eyebrow. "Sorry Kendall but I'm about to go for a run. When I get back, okay?" James said as he began to walk away. Kendall scowled, he grabbed James' wrist. "No, it's not okay. Tell me why you've been avoiding me." Kendall felt how James tensed up when he touched him and that became another stab to his heart. What had he done to him?

James didn't turn around. He kept his head down, his hair covering his eyes. "I haven't been avoiding you. Now let me go." Kendall grit his teeth, he was getting mad. James was lying to him. "Yes, you have! Why?" James remained silent. "Tell me." James didn't move, "I haven't." Kendall felt his anger flare up. His grip on James' wrist tightened. "Stop lying to me! Just tell me the truth."

Kendall was surprised when James gave him a heated look. It was the first time James had stared him in the eyes in a while. "I really wish you would go away. You really want to know why I've been avoiding? It's because I can't stand being around you. I hate it. I hate you! " Kendall felt his grip go slack when he heard that. James took that chance to run out the door.

Kendall felt like his heart had been ripped out and stomped on. He felt the tears come but he couldn't stop them, it was too much for him to handle. Kendall had a hard time breathing as he forced himself to go back inside his room and shut the door. He locked it before he sat there crying. He cried thinking of the things that James had said to him.

"I really wish you would go away!" It played in his head over and over like a broken record that he couldn't turn off. "I can't stand being around you." Kendall hated this, feeling so vulnerable. "I hate you!" He felt like a kid as the tears kept coming, it seemed like they would never end.

It hurts, he thought. It hurts so much. Kendall now knew. The reason to James avoiding him, it was because he hated him. He really wished he had just stayed in his room, and never decided to confront James. He should've just dealt with it because the pain he feels now is so much worse. Kendall tried to wipe his eyes, tried to stop crying but he couldn't. He couldn't and he hated it.

The one person he had truly loved. The one he would do any and everything for. The one who he felt that he would never stop loving, hated him. And Kendall felt like his whole world was crumbling. Kendall sat there for hours, with his back against the door. He was glad that Logan and Carlos went to the pool.

Kendall felt the tears begin to stop. He still felt like shit but at least he wasn't really crying anymore. He sat there hugging himself. He didn't know what to do, he just wanted everything to stop. Kendall crawled to his bed and looked under it to find his savior. The razor blade, still hidden in his hat. Kendall held it between his thumb and index finger. "I really wish you would go away!" James' words echoed once more.

That was it. His way out. He'd be free from the pain and the misery. It was what James wanted. He wanted Kendall to go away and Kendall could do that. He'd go away and leave James to be happy with his girlfriend. Kendall gave a bitter smile, it was perfect. He found a piece of paper and a pen and began writing. He'd leave a note for each of them. His friends, his family, and the one he loved.

Each note had a few of his tears on them. He couldn't help it. He made sure that they didn't blur out the words and when he finished the last note, he smiled. He left them on the night stand that separated their two beds and quickly entered the bathroom with the razor blade. He shut and locked the door. He walked over to the mirror to look at himself. His eyes were red and puffy, you could see fresh tears come through every now and then. His hair was everywhere but Kendall didn't care.

He walked over and leaned his back against the tub. He gave a sigh before ripping the bandages off of his arm. This would be the last time he would feel pain. The last time he would cut himself. A few more tears made their way through as he dragged the blade across his right wrist three times, making deep cuts. He did the same to his left wrist and allowed the blade to fall to the ground. He held both his arms in front of his face, watching the blood ooze out of the freshly made cuts. He let them fall to his sides and closed his eyes. All he had to do was wait.

Kendall opened his eyes halfway when he heard the front door open and some one call out to him. He closed them again. He knew it was already too late as he began to feel light headed and cold. He smiled as he felt himself being pulled away. He faintly heard knocks on the bathroom door and door knob being messed with. He heard his name. He heard the door forced open.

He didn't care. He let the darkness take over and lost conscienceness.


	4. Life

A/N: Okay, thanks for everyone who reviewed. I really appreciate it. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter.

Disclaimer: I get tired of saying that I don't own them but yeah, I don't.

Kendall woke up to the smell of, well, nothing. He couldn't explain it. It was a sterile smell, like something had just been cleaned. He slowly opened his eyes only to shut them again when the light assaulted them. Kendall found that to be a mistake and began to think. Where was he? Kendall opened his eyes again, slower this time, and when they finally adjusted to the small bit of light he looked around.

It was a room. He recognized it, a hospital room. The hospital, he was in the hospital. _'But why? What happened? How'd I get here?' _Kendall wondered as he continued observing the room. The chairs were on the left next to the window that shined bright light into the otherwise dim room. He looked to his right. More chairs. Two of them were occupied. Carlos and Logan. It looked like they had been there for a while.

Logan was leaning his head against Carlos' shoulder and Carlos had his head on top of Logan's. Kendall thought it was kind of cute. He heard the constant beep of what he knew to be a heart monitor. He lifted his arm and found that bandages covered it and his other arm, an IV was injected into his left arm. He turned his head and looked to the ceiling, thinking about what had happened. _'What did happen?' _He questioned himself in his head again.

Kendall was trying to think and he began to wonder, if Carlos and Logan are here then where is James? Suddenly, something inside him seemed to click and all of the memories came back to him. Everything at once. James avoiding him which lead to Kendall approaching him, that leading to the fight. Kendall remembered the pain and how much everything hurt, he remembered what James had said, what James wanted.

The pain had become crushing, he couldn't take it. It had hurt so much and he had found a way to end it. All of it. He had cut himself, deep enough to lose a lot of blood, he wanted to die. It all happened so fast, the memories came back so fast. He felt overwhelmed and his breathing had picked up. The heart monitor began to speed up and before he he knew it Carlos and Logan were by his side trying to calm him down. He started hyperventilating and saw Carlos press a button on the side of the bed.

Soon afterwards, a doctor had come in and quickly figured out what was happening. He quickly prepped a needle and injected Kendall with it. Kendall didn't know what it was, he had just began to feel calmer and eventually his breathing returned to normal. He saw Carlos look to the doctor. "What happened?" Kendall closed his eyes but he made sure that listened to the doctor's response, he was feeling a bit drowsy.

The doctor sighed beofre explaining. "Well, it's simple. Before he had fallen unconscious, he had lost so much blood that his brain became a little oxygen deprived. Because of this, he probably couldn't remember the events that had occurred before his...incident. Something happened to help him regain those memories. When all of the memories came back to him, he must've got a little overwhelmed. It was probably something that had a pretty big effect on him."

Carlos nodded though he didn't like the long explanation that was supposed to be simple. Kendall felt himself falling into another sleep even though he tried his best to stay awake. It was hard and before long he fell back into a dreamless sleep.

When Kendall woke back up, he opened his eyes and realized that he didn't have such a hard time adjusting to the light this time. He looked around and noticed two things. One, Carlos and Logan were no longer inside the room and two, it was still light out. Kendall's head throbbed slightly but he ignored it. He let his eyes drift toward the white ceiling once again. Someone had 'saved' him. Though Kendall didn't feel like he had been saved.

What did he have to live for when the love of his life hated him. He did the only thing he could, he tried to kill himself so that James wouldn't have to see him again. Someone had stopped him though, he didn't know how to feel about that. If he thought about it, he did feel angry but he didn't know who he would be angry at. And in all fairness, he would've done the same he were being absolutely truthful, who wouldn't have called the hospital?

It seems to be the natural reaction when you find someone bleeding to death on a cold bathroom floor. But in all actuality, Kendall would've preferred if he had just been left to die. He didn't want to live with the pain. He didn't want to see anyone. He wondered if they had read his letters, maybe, maybe not. He hoped not, if he wasn't going to die he'd just feel like a fool. Kendall stiffened when the door suddenly opened to reveal the doctor walking in with a smile on his face. Kendall didn't think that there was anything to smile about.

"You're awake, that's good. You've been in a comatose state for about a week. You're making good progress and your injuries are healing up nicely. Any questions?" Kendall shook his head 'no' though he was still thinking about that fact that he had fallen into a coma for a while. He didn't expect that, he wondered if anything happened during the time he was asleep.

"Good. A psychiatrist will be in shortly to talk to you." Kendall frowned. _'I knew they would try some shit like this.'_ He thought to himself. He didn't want to talk to some stranger about his problems. He just wanted to be left alone.

The doctor left and soon a woman came in dressed professionally in a plaid skirt and black button down shirt, tucked in. She wore black rimmed glasses and red lipstick that matched the red shown on her skirt. She had began by asking things about him but Kendall barely answered her questions. Eventually she asked him why he had attempted to kill himself but Kendall didn't answer. He refused. He didn't want everyone to know that secret and he doubted she would keep it to herself.

When Kendall had begun to outright ignore her she left the room. Kendall sighed, nothing had gone right. Absolutely nothing. He began thinking about James, even though he knew that he shouldn't. Even after all that had happened, Kendall still was in love with him. He couldn't help it. He wanted to be with him, he wanted to make him happy. He just hoped that that girl would make him happy, since he couldn't.

Carlos walked into the room, Kendall noticed that he had a glass of water with a straw inside that he handed to Kendall to drink. Kendall was thankful becasue his throat was really dry and no one else had brought him anything. He drank all of the water quickly before putting it on the small table next to the bed. The sound of his hospital gown rustling like stiff leaves in the wind annoyed him.

"Kendall," Carlos' voice sounded sad and Kendall felt terrible. "Why," Kendall couldn't look at him, he didn't want to see his face. "Why did you do it?" Tears were forming in Carlos' eyes. Kendall didn't want to tell Carlos, though the other boy probably had a pretty good idea of why, he just wanted to keep it to himself. But Carlos was one of his best friends, if he could talk to anyone it was him.

"I...I'm sorry. It...I-" Kendall sighed, looking down dejectedly. "He said he hated me and I..I couldn't take it. It hurt so much, everything hurt." Kendall finally got out after stumbling over his words a bit. It was hard, saying it out loud, but Kendall pushed forward. "I didn't know what to do and the thought just...slipped into my mind. It was the easiest way to make the pain stop. To stop myself from hurting."

"Who?" Carlos asked quietly. Kendall didn't want to say his name. He didn't want to remember it all again. "Was it James?" Kendall nodded, thankful that Carlos decided to help him out even if it wasn't the hardest thing to guess. Carlos hugged Kendall tightly and Kendall wrapped his arms back around Carlos.

"I'm sorry." Kendall whispered again when he felt tears slowly soak into the back of his hospital gown. Kendall had begun crying too, it didn't seem like he could do anything to stop the tears. Kendall didn't mean to hurt Carlos. He didn't want to hurt anybody, he just wanted everything to stop. "It's okay. Just...just don't do it again. Please." Kendall nodded against him, "I won't." He promised the boy in his arms.

"I don't think he meant it." Carlos said when they pulled away from each other. "He did." Kendall said silently after what Carlos had saaid registered in his mind. "Kendall, James is your friend. You should at least try to talk to him and find out more about what happened." Kendall sighed, he wasn't sure.

Carlos had a weird expression on his face before he smiled. "Do you want to go home? The doctor said it was okay." Kendall felt relieved, he wanted to get out of this damn hospital. Kendall nodded again and Carlos handed him some clothes that were sitting in a chair. _'He must've just brought those,' _Kendall thought. _'I didn't see them earlier.'_

Carlos left the room and Kendall begun to dress himself with minor difficulty. He left out of the room, leaving the gown on the bed. He signaled to Carlos that he was ready before they both walked to the front desk and signed Kendall out. The doctor had spoken with them, Kendall would have to be back in a week to make sure everything was fine.

"Anything happen while I was out?" Kendall asked as they made their way outside of the big building. "No, nothing really. We've just been focused on you." Kendall nodded.

They hopped in the BTR mobile, Carlos in the driver's side and began to pull out of the spot. Kendall had a few more questions to ask as the ride began. "Where's Logan?" He started. "He's at the Palm Woods. I told them to go home and that I would keep an eye on you." Them. Did that mean that James had actually been there? "James was there?" Kendall asked, a little more excited than he would like to admit.

He wanted to know. Carlos paused. "I think you need to talk to him." Kendall raised an eyebrow, that wasn't really an answer. "What do you mean?" Carlos looked at Kendall for a second before returning his gaze to the road. "James found you, you know. He called the ambulance. He stayed with you everyday. I made him go home because he wasn't taking care of himself. He hasn't been the same ever since then."

Kendall was shocked. James hated him, right? Why did he call for an ambulance and then stay with him for days? It didn't make sense. Now he had more questions. Kendall leaned toward Carlos, "Where is he? Did he tell you what happened?" Carlos shook his head. "With Logan, he just said it was his fault. He said he was sorry. He blames himself for what happened. He was hysterical when me and Logan met him at the hospital. It took a while for us to finally calm him down."

Kendalled sat back in his sat back in his seat and was quiet for the rest of the ride, lost in his thoughts. James blamed himself but Kendall didn't want that. He didn't want James to feel bad or guilty. Kendall sighed in frustration. Nothing made sense and it seemed like he would have to go to James for answers, something he really wasn't excited about. When they arrived at the Palm Woods, Carlos took Kendall straight to their room ignoring anyone they passed but Kendall was hesitant. He didn't know if he was ready to go in there.

"Come on, Kendall. It'll be fine." Carlos said when he noticed that Kendall was lagging behind. Kendall rolled his eyes, "Easy for you to say." He mumbled as he began to pick up his pace. Carlos wasn't the one who had tried to kill himself. And failed. He didn't have to face the one who he was holplessly in love with. The one who didn't love him back. Kendall sighed as Carlos lead the way into the apartment.

When Kendall first walked in, he only noticed one person on the couch. Logan. Logan turned his head and hopped up when he saw Kendall. He ran over and gave Kendall a big hug. "You're finally awake! We missed you! Don't ever do that to us again, we thought we were going to lose you." Logan said firmly, a few tears leaking out of his eyes. Kendall wrapped his arms around Logan and apologised numerous times. He felt even worse for what he had done.

Kendall knew that he owed Logan an explanation but there was stuff that he needed to sort out first. He knew things wouldn't just go back to how they were before. He had to confront him. Kendall needed things to change and it would either be for better or for worse. He hoped it wouldn't be the latter of the two.

He sighed, "Where's James?" Logan pulled away. "He's in your room. He's been there ever since we got here. I've been trying to get him to do something but he just sits there." Kendall sighed again, it was now or never. "Thanks." He mumbled as he slowly approached the door. He reached his hand out hesitantly and turned the knob. He felt like he was walking to his death, which is weird because he almost died a week ago.

_'I can do this.' _He thought confidently as he walked into the room. He looked to see that James was lying face down on his bed. "Leave me alone Logan!" Kendall was barely able to make out the muffled statement coming from the brunette boy. "I'm not Logan." Kendall saw that James had tensed before turning to look at him."K-Kendall?"

Kendall nodded and closed the door, locking it. This might take a while.


End file.
